That Bit Me in the Ass

Don’t you hate it when you say something and it totally comes back to bite you in the ass? Happened to me twice today and I have no one to blame but myself and the Walmart checker.

Princess and I had quite an excursion this morning, wandering aimlessly around a basketball arena for 15 minutes in an attempt to find the ticket office. We found some back staircases and the entrance to the VIP suites, got to watch the women’s basketball team practice and Blair’s college roommate coach, and even walked on the football field briefly before finally scouting out the ticket office. It was embarrassing to see all these college students walking around with purpose while my daughter and I strolled around like minstrels…because there might have been running, stair-jumping and a little bit of singing.

After a refreshing ice cream cone treat, we ventured to Walmart for groceries and judgment.

I saw a woman bending down in an aisle and talking to her kids in this loud, singsong voice and thought well she looks like an idiot, then continued walking along while calling the Princess all sorts of silly names in a loud, singsong voice. And then it hit me, I believe that I have an invisibility cloak when I am with my kids! I am one of those people!

If I am walking down the street or sitting in a public place with my kids, I think nothing of singing a song or doing a silly dance. I will make crazy faces from across a restaurant and skip through the Target parking lot. I will change a diaper or threaten to tickle a child til he pees at a basketball game and see nothing wrong with mimicking Star Wars voices throughout the grocery store. Somehow it just never occurred to me that others would be judging my idiocy….seems like that should have occurred to me while I was passing judgment on others.

Luckily, my friendly Walmart checker passed enough judgment on me today that I should remember it in the future. Now, let’s be clear: if I worked at Walmart I would have a running commentary about the people and their purchases and would pass judgment and concoct stories all day long. However, all of this craziness would remain in my head where it belongs (and maybe on an anonymous blog); I would never humiliate someone in person.

The boy checking me out today (that sounds funny because he definitely wasn’t checking me out) found it necessary to comment on many of my purchases. Perhaps I encouraged him by laughing at his first snarky comment about my Diet Coke Plus Vitamins and Minerals. I obviously know that adding Vitamins doesn’t make soda healthy so I didn’t care that he felt the need to tell me. I did get a little offended, however, when he tried to diss the Fruity Cheerios because that is a fairly healthy choice for a kids cereal.

His next complaint was about the noisy Sun Chips bag. Yep, I know it is loud but they are semi-healthy and the bag is biodegradable for pete’s sake, I’m trying to be a good Earth citizen! By the way, he was also sighing mightily each time he had to unfold a reusable grocery bag and put it over the little hooks as if it were the worst part of his day. Seriously? Then he told me, “I probably won’t be able to fit everything into these bags, can I just use plastic for some of this?”

I asked him to please use the reusable bags first and we would see what happened after that. And it did all fit, jerk.

You would think that this would be the worst of his smarminess but no, I have saved the best two for last. I asked him to scan a package of puppy stickers so that I could give them back to the Princess and he had the gall to look at her, sigh, and scan them as if I had asked him to arrange the stickers artfully around her dog house diorama. Who looks at my little Princess and begrudges her some puppy stickers?

We were almost done with the cart of judgment but first he had to scan the costume accessories I had picked up on clearance. He was smart enough not to say anything about the princess wings and skirts, made a face about the princess headband but then just couldn’t hold back as he scanned a blonde rocker wig. He honestly looked at it, said the name of the product out loud, made a farting noise and said, “No thanks.” What the hell?

I have had some strange experiences at large stores but today might be the winner. He was a sad, strange little man. I simply don’t trust anyone who doesn’t smile at a 2-year-old with puppy stickers.



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